The Blog Premiere

The Blog Premiere

OK. So this is my first blog EVER and it took FOREVER to get it started. Ya see, I write the advice column called My Extra-Ordinary Life for my school newspaper, The West Bay Middle School Gazette. This is my second year writing it.  Nobody ACTUALLY knows I’m the author, though. Sometimes I write some pretty serious or private stuff about the life of a teen. I mean, I don’t want EVERYONE to know it’s ME that has leg hair as long as my pet gerbil OR has feet that smell like the inside of a boy’s gym locker.

PLUS, sometimes I reveal insider information about our school. Once, I broke the story about all the GROSS hair found in the school lunches. If you saw how ginormous our head lunch lady is, you’d totally understand why I have a secret identity.

My advice column is like the best part of the school paper. I mean, people laugh at it ALL THE TIME. SOOOO, I’ve been thinking that it’s time to blast my column to the entire universe. Ya know? Become a WORLD FAMOUS, anonymous columnist.

At first, I was totally clueless about how to tackle worldwide fame. It’s not like there’s a reality show called American Teen Columnist. SOOOO, I checked out the local newspaper. BUT, they don’t even HAVE a teen section. I mean REALLY, we have voices, TOO.  SOOOO, writing for them was a total bust.

THEN, I wrote to the editor of So Chill!!!!!! magazine. They TOTALLY need a column from a REAL TEEN. Adults write EVERYTHING in their mag. I mean, what do THEY know about walking down the hall and getting stared at cuz someone slapped a LOSER sign on your butterfly backpack? I figured with two years of professional experience AND being a teen that I was TOTALLY qualified. Well, I wrote that letter in SEPTEMBER and I STILL haven’t heard any news.

Then one day, I was surfing the net looking up stuff about viruses for biology class (GROSS!!!!). I stumbled on this site where this scientist dude has a blog for his Pathogen of the Month Club (even GROSSER).  After I almost lost my tuna fish lunch looking at disease-causing blobs, I had a total A-HA moment. Ya know, like Oprah (this is my mom’s FAVE T.V. show. It takes up half the space on the DVR). I was like, I can do that!!!  A blog. OH MY GAWD!!! I can be a WWB (world-wide blogger). It’s so TOTALLY perfect. My advice can be read EVERYWHERE. The idea was flawless. Simply fab-a-zoid. AND THEN…once my blog is the HUGEST column since columns began, magazines EVERYWHERE will duke it out to publish me. One problem though…to write a blog…I had to ask my parents .

SOOOO, I asked my mom first. Of course she morphed into a freaky mom-ster saying stuff like “I’m not sure a blog is appropriate” and “safe.” Then she asked the ultimate, make-or-break-every-dream-ever question of “how much will this cost?”  Ya know, the typical mom blah-blah-blahs.

THEN she said I had to run it by my dad. Well, my dad is a pilot and like, NEVER home. So, of course, he said, “Let’s talk about this when I get home.”  And when he FINALLY does get home, he says “let me think about it” and asks “how much will this cost?”

Well, he said maybe. Go ask Mom. AGAIN. ARRGGGH!!! Well, Mom had to make lists, consult self-help BIBLES, gossip with other parents, eat a banana, make new lists, research new recipe ideas, clean the house, ask me billions of questions….THEN give me her “I-know-everything-cuz-I’m-a MOM advice” (PLUS, I have the honor of having a middle school guidance counselor for a mom. More about that later).

“Now, Penelope, there are creepy people that go on the web. I’m not sure it’s a safe idea.”

“Penelope, blogging is not for girls YOUR AGE.”

“Penelope, we all have dreams, but you must start small and if it is meant to be it will be.”

And on….and on…and on…….

OK. SOOOO it wasn’t looking good. AND to make it worse…

My sister, Prissy-zilla whined, “Why should Penelope get to do a blog? What is so great about her column, anyway? I mean really, so WHAT, Penelope? If she gets a blog then I want new pom poms and a pedicure!!!!!”

I suggested she get a new brain that wasn’t shaped like a megaphone. That sorta got me Penelope Community Service for a week, meaning scrubbing toilets, folding laundry and all the other jobs Mom doesn’t wanna do. SOOOO, I wasn’t even allowed to MENTION the blog until my sentence was up.

Well, FINALLLLLLLY…. Mom said NO. Yes NO. After all the waiting and pleading and waiting…she said NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Penelope, maybe next year when you’re in 8^th grade and more responsible.”

“Penelope, a blog can disrupt the balance in your life.”

“Penelope, I’m sure fame will wait for you until you are more mature to handle the responsibility.”

And on…and on…and on…

SOOOO, what she is REALLY trying to say is:

WHILE I BELIEVE IN YOU, I REALLY DON’T.

What they DON’T UNDERSTAND is fame CAN’T wait. Great ideas must be chased like dogs chasing squirrels. But, you actually have to catch them (unlike my dog, Gordon, who can’t catch a Milkbone® let alone a squirrel). I mean, what if someone else steals my blog idea? What if someone copies my advice from the West Bay Middle School Gazette and posts it online. What if there is another totally awesome teen writer out there that gets famous first?????!!!!!!

SOOOO how could I possibly stand by and watch my dreams be sucked into the black hole of parental fear? I made a list. My mom taught me this trick for when I can’t make up my mind about something. SOOOO whatever it reveals MUST be the RIGHT answer.

DO BLOG ANYWAY 

Parents ground me 4 life

WORLD WIDE FAME

Parents forgive me cuz I’m FAMOUS!!!!

FORGET ABOUT BLOG FOREVER

Parents think I’m most respectful kid EVER

Loser columnist for stupid school paper

Sad until the day I DIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!

OK. SOOOO, it’s kinda obvious I decided to do the blog. Instead of being sad FOREVER and moping around the house being TOTALLY annoying and AWFUL to everyone, I’m risking life in my room and plunging myself into the depths of disobedience.

My parents will TOTALLY forgive me. Once they see that nothing “scary” happens and that this is all safe they will let me blog 4-ever. And I am as sure as my mom makes sprinkle pancakes EVERY morning for breakfast that once they have an ultra-famous kid, they will be the proudest ‘rents EVER!!!!! I just have to PROVE to them that I am super-responsible. OK, well, lying isn’t responsible…but I’m not REALLY lying, just delaying the truth!!!  I totally plan on telling them…sometime.

SO….send me your questions! I can’t wait to hear them and get the convo started. If you have any ideas! I want to know about those, too. This is going to be TOTALLY SMOTALLLY FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Over and out (til tomorrow!!!),

Penelope